oh nooooooes!

Little Frog

My youngest nephew, Little Frog, is a huge Looney Tunes fan and when he's being good he gets to watch it as a treat during his rest time. Today was one such day so we (my sister, mother, and I) were mystified when he left his rest time and his cartoons and came to the living room in tears. After much cajoling we finally figured out what had upset him so badly:


Apparently, the episode that came on was in black and white instead of in color. 


He was convinced that the television was broken and he could no longer watch Looney Tunes. We couldn't convince him otherwise and he cried himself to sleep. We couldn't stop laughing for a good ten minutes as he sobbed and someday this picture is getting shown to a girlfriend.

Conversations Moms Love to Hear

"[Trooper], what do you think the worst invention in the world is?"

"Clothes."

Boston Beer Festival?

 "I'm considering making a little wine cellar with me and Daddy in it. Actually a wine and beer cellar."

-Captain Awesome,

(concerning LEGOS)

(Though he finally settled on the Boston Beer Festival, I am now re-examining our parenting.)

smooth criminal

Overheard today:

"Watch out, [Trooper]! Mommy just cleaned the window with a dangerous criminal and you shouldn't touch it."

I've always thought that Windex was a bit shady.....

dishwasher wars

My husband is trying to get me to restrict him from loading the dishwasher.

Do you hear that, honey? I know what you are trying to do. IT WON'T WORK! So you continue to load it the wrong way, with the pizza pans blocking the opening for the dishsoap and the bowls crusted with cheese from the French onion soup. I shall persevere. You can continue to call the dishes 'done' without starting the dishwasher, I shall persist! Continue in your heinous counter-wiping form-- I shall not be deterred. Though you feign ignorance of how the water jets inside work and insist on putting the bowls in backwards, I shall overcome!

I'll start next week, as soon as the kids are over the flu and I'm over this nasty bout of Strepthroat. I'll have time to fight it out then. For now, I guess I'll go clean up the mess he made of cleaning the kitchen.

Macaroni Power

Once upon a time, before the advent of slumber parties and hulu, Friday nights were Forced Family Fun nights. We ate junk food and sipped root beers while we played board games. The boys and I planned for Fridays all week long, hammering out important questions like, “Pizza or nachos?” and “Monopoly or LEGO Star Wars?” For the record, I started opting for LEGO Star Wars because I got sick and tired of being bankrupted by a seven year old. When the big day finally came around, Little Man (aka: Captain Awesome) would catch the bus to school while Trooper and I got busy cleaning the house.

On the particular morning I’m remembering, the house needed more attention than usual but all I could think about was the warm, fuzzy blanket on the couch and how nice it was to have Trooper cuddled up next to me watching cartoons. As a result, when the bus pulled off that morning I curled up with Trooper on the couch and fell instantly, blissfully asleep.

Why is it that when we compromise it is our loved ones who seem to suffer the most? When I woke up and realized how far behind schedule I was, I panicked. I began to clean like a madwoman, brushing off poor little Trooper’s repeated attempts to help with phrases like, “This is a Mommy-sized job. Go play.” I was making pretty good time this way until I began to unload the dishwasher. That's when I hit a speed bump. I wanted to ‘get it done’ so that I could tackle the mountain range of dirty dishes covering my kitchen counters. Trooper, though, was in a helpful mood and he knew that unloading the dishwasher was a job just his size because it has been his job for nearly six months now.

Have you ever watched a preschooler unload a dishwasher? It is excruciating. Painful, even. I am fairly certain that this in the only span of daylight that my young son moves at less than 90 miles per hour. He is ‘busy’ by nature and never really walks anywhere but rather dances everywhere. I’ve worked a long time to make sure he understands the importance of walking slowly with mommy’s dishes and he is ever so careful with them now. He practically tiptoes, cradling one dish in his two little hands, all the way to the other side of the room and puts it away. He then allows himself a little victory dance for being so clever before running over to the dishwasher for another plate or bowl to put away. The concentration needed for this harnessing of energy is immense and he is so relieved by the time it is time to put away the ‘plastic’ and the ‘silverware’ that he is back to dancing his way to the pantry where they belong, even more hyper than when the dishwasher was opened.

Please remember, I was a woman on a mission. I had a house to clean and a meal to cook so that I could relax and have Forced Family Fun Night with my children, come Hell or high water!

My youngest son, oblivious to my personal mission statement and the exasperated looks I was giving him, was nearly finished unloading the dishwasher when he began a kung-fu style fight with an invisible foe. He whirled and kicked and began to make ‘cool’ sound effects like “whoosh” and “kaPOW” in all the right places-- all while wielding a dripping silver colander and a dangerous looking wooden spoon. The fight must not have been going well for him because as I opened my mouth to tell him Just hurry up!, he pulled out the big guns. Before I could get the words out, he thrust the colander into the air and brandished his spoon with a flourish and shouted, “MACAWONI POW-WAH!”

I’m not sure where Macaroni Power rates when compared to Superman and the Justice League or the X Men and the Mutant League but I know that it had an immediate effect on me. Instead of hurrying my son along, I found myself thinking, “I did it again.” I got so caught up in ‘how’ I could get things done that I forgot ‘why’ I was doing them. Wasn’t the whole point of cleaning the house so that I could spend time with my children? It took a new and dubious superpower to remind me of that little fact.

Macaroni Power, who knew?


(rewrite, original 02/2008)

not a kid word

(Some things are too funny not to share.)

This is the conversation that I overheard today.

Darth Toddler:                Holy Craps!

Little Man:       That's not a kid word.

Darth Toddler:                      SUCKS!

Little Man:                  Not a kid word.

Darth Toddler:   Oh mannnnnnnnn...

Little Man:                           Kid word.

How NOT to go 'Mudding'

1- First, insure that your children are healthy. If even one of them is on antibiotics for a sinus infection, STOP. There will be other opportunities to introduce your children to this Rite of Passage.

2– Timing is everything: Don’t attempt to leave right at dinner time with children under the age of seven. Hungry toddlers could intimidate a seasoned Sith Lord.

3- Remember the cliché story starter ‘It was a dark and stormy night’??? It is ominous sounding for a reason. When you are under a tornado watch, try to curb your deep and burning desire to play in the mud unless you are near a safe structure to hide in, just is case.

4- Don’t take your children mudding while they are wearing their best school clothes.

5- Remember: The right tools for the right job. A small (ten year old) riding lawn mower does not qualify as a four wheeler, especially when it is towing a trailer with two young children. The mechanics of it just don’t lend to a fulfilling mud slinging experience.

6- Don’t get stuck.

7- Don’t break the steering rod while trying to get it out of the mud.

8- Don’t break the hitch on the trailer while trying to get unstuck.

9- Don’t get caught by your wife.

10- Don’t force your wife to drive around looking for you and her children in stormy weather. This doesn’t make Mama happy, if you know what I mean.

11- Don’t let the children fall out of the trailer, play in the mud, fall face first in the mud, or otherwise get covered head to toe in sticky, stinky mud while in their best jeans.

12- When your child gets stuck in the mud up to their knees, Don’t simply take his/her boots off and set him/her free in a housing development construction site. It is always healthier and therefore preferable for children to wear some sort of footwear while tramping through mud that is riddled with sharp stones, glass shards, and various other construction debris.

13- If this happens, Don’t panic! Just make certain that you prioritize. Pick the child up and carry him to a safety zone (preferably the arms of his waiting mother) before trying to pull your vehicle from the mud. Remember: It is especially important for your marriage that your wife –who is wearing thin tennis shoes- does not feel obligated to go out into the mud to ‘rescue’ her youngest child from the mud and sharp rocks because said child’s father is screwing around with the engine of a lawn mower instead of getting the child out of the weather. CAUTION: Failure to remember this point may result in sleeping on the couch and/or bodily harm without sufficient groveling.

14- Upon your emanate return, don’t expect a Hero’s Welcome even though you managed to aquire the neighbor’s tractor and expertise to get the lawn mower out of the mud. Even though you managed to get said lawn mower back to the yard – despite the busted steering and that fact that you had to haul the trailer by hand behind you since the hitch broke, too –all while it was raining cats and dogs.

15- Don’t attempt to negotiate when your wife ‘suggests’ that you clean up all of the muddy shoes and clothing in the rain before she puts them in the washing machine.

16- Don’t call your wife names (no matter how endearing) under your breath when you hear your parents laughing at your wife’s rendition of your night, either. It is advisable to ‘grin and bear it’. Keep in mind that it is healthy to find the humor in messy situations.