1-
First, insure that your children are healthy. If even one of them is on
antibiotics for a sinus infection, STOP. There will be other opportunities to
introduce your children to this Rite of Passage.
2–
Timing is everything: Don’t attempt to leave right at dinner time with children
under the age of seven. Hungry toddlers could intimidate a seasoned Sith Lord.
3-
Remember the cliché story starter ‘It was a dark and stormy night’??? It is
ominous sounding for a reason. When you are under a tornado watch, try to curb
your deep and burning desire to play in the mud unless you are near a safe
structure to hide in, just is case.
4- Don’t
take your children mudding while they are wearing their best school clothes.
5-
Remember: The right tools for the right job. A small (ten year old) riding lawn
mower does not qualify as a four wheeler, especially when it is towing a
trailer with two young children. The mechanics of it just don’t lend to a
fulfilling mud slinging experience.
6- Don’t
get stuck.
7- Don’t
break the steering rod while trying to get it out of the mud.
8- Don’t
break the hitch on the trailer while trying to get unstuck.
9- Don’t
get caught by your wife.
10-
Don’t force your wife to drive around looking for you and her children in
stormy weather. This doesn’t make Mama happy, if you know what I mean.
11-
Don’t let the children fall out of the trailer, play in the mud, fall face
first in the mud, or otherwise get covered head to toe in sticky, stinky mud
while in their best jeans.
12- When
your child gets stuck in the mud up to their knees, Don’t simply take his/her
boots off and set him/her free in a housing development construction site. It
is always healthier and therefore preferable for children to wear some sort of
footwear while tramping through mud that is riddled with sharp stones, glass shards, and
various other construction debris.
13- If
this happens, Don’t panic! Just make certain that you prioritize. Pick the
child up and carry him to a safety zone (preferably the arms of his waiting
mother) before trying to pull your vehicle from the mud. Remember: It is
especially important for your marriage that your wife –who is wearing thin
tennis shoes- does not feel obligated to go out into the mud to ‘rescue’ her
youngest child from the mud and sharp rocks because said child’s father is
screwing around with the engine of a lawn mower instead of getting the child
out of the weather. CAUTION: Failure to remember this point may result in
sleeping on the couch and/or bodily harm without sufficient groveling.
14- Upon
your emanate return, don’t expect a Hero’s Welcome even though you managed to
aquire the neighbor’s tractor and expertise to get the lawn mower out of the
mud. Even though you managed to get said lawn mower back to the yard – despite
the busted steering and that fact that you had to haul the trailer by hand
behind you since the hitch broke, too –all while it was raining cats and dogs.
15-
Don’t attempt to negotiate when your wife ‘suggests’ that you clean up all of
the muddy shoes and clothing in the rain before she puts them in the washing
machine.
16- Don’t call your wife names (no
matter how endearing) under your breath when you hear your parents laughing at
your wife’s rendition of your night, either. It is advisable to ‘grin and bear it’.
Keep in mind that it is healthy to find the humor in messy situations.
