This morning, as I was trying to scrape together enough
energy to take a shower, I asked, “God, what’s wrong with me?” Immediately, a
verse came to mind and with it came a disturbing understanding.
“In the springtime, when kings go to war.” (2 Samuel 11:1)
I don’t know about you, but anytime the Spirit answers me
with the opening salvo to David’s biggest “oops” I sit up and take notice.
Honestly, I didn’t think I was that bad off. And maybe I’m not. But the choices
I’m making are becoming consistently more self-centered and less God-centered.
I suppose that’s what happened with David, too. Not only David but countless
men and women who were following God and then woke up one morning to realize
that, simply put, they weren’t. Not where God wanted them to go, anyway.
If I am so out of step with God that I cannot even recognize
my disobedience for what it is, then you might as well call me David because when
we stop chasing God’s heart we don’t stop chasing. We simply chase other things.
We end up completely unfulfilled at the close of the day, wondering, “God,
where were you today?” Worse, we may wake up in a bed where we don’t belong, or
engaging in activities that we shouldn’t, or enslaved to addictions that God
didn’t choose for us. All these things- every one of them- begin (for
believers) by not being where we are supposed to when we are supposed to be
there. In the springtime, kings go to war. In the springtime, husbands go home
to their wives. In the springtime, mothers care for their sons. In the
springtime, ministers put down their ‘work’ and go home to the greater
covenant- their families. In the springtime, children spend time with their
fathers.
Except that I have not. Life has been so good, so pleasant,
so mild. I’ve spent far too long on the rooftop admiring the stars and the
still air instead of going inside to spend time with my Father. I’ve committed
many good things to my heart and the Spirit gives me insight, discernment,
wisdom, and knowledge. These I carry with me. My Father still speaks to me and
uses me. During the springtime, I prayed for people and they were healed! But it’s not enough. I need HIM. I need the
daily, intentional contact- beyond the prayer (because I pray all day long)- I
need to take time to snuggle with my Daddy, to listen to His voice not because
I’m trying to discern the right path but because I love His voice.
And I do. I do so very, very much love His voice. It is the
only melody that can soothe this ache deep within my soul. How I’ve missed it
so! My life has become a series of
transactions without His infusion of Grace and –now that I recognize it – I find
it repugnant, unacceptable. I want to go back to living within the symphony of
His plan, instead of the harsh monotonous monologue of mine own plan. It
is a far, far more beautiful existence that he has for me and I will only
experience it if I choose to go where He calls each and every day, beginning
with the long silences on the little white couch in my studio. It’s springtime,
and it’s time for this “king” to get off the rooftop and “go to war”.
